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Pigeons and the news they bring to our daily lives


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PIGEONS ROB LOCAL CONVENIENCE STORE, BUBBLE CREEK -- A gang of marauding pigeons held up a Bubble Creek convenience store and made off with $567 in cash and a package of Armour hot dogs. Said dazed clerk Annie Costello, "At first I thought they were punk kids dressed up like pigeons, but then I realized they were too small to be kids." Local officials say they are combing the area for the criminal pigeons but don't expect to find them, conceding that 'you can't tell a good pigeon from a bad one nowadays.'


SCIENCE PROVES PIGEONS DANCE, HATTIE GROVE -- Scientists at the Hattie Grove High School have proven that feral city pigeons do not wander about aimlessly among hurried pedestrians but are actually dancing with them. Biology student Jervis Mason states: "I spent 4 days observing them in a downtown crossing and studied their behavior carefully. The patterns they follow can only be the pigeon version of the Square Dance." Mason cannot determine where and how the city pigeons learned the country dance steps.


POLL PROVES MOST PEOPLE DO NOT BELIEVE IN BABY PIGEONS, DURGAN -- A Durgan poll conducted by an independent polling group asked people: Do you believe in baby pigeons? 86% of people polled said no. Most respondents claimed that they had never seen a baby pigeon, so "how could they believe one exists?" 97% of these people were Christians.


PIGEON SAVES DROWNING BABY, NEW LOURDES -- A heroic pigeon did a swan dive into a New Lourdes swimming pool and pulled a drowning 2-month-old baby by her hair to her hysterical mother poolside. Ms. June Carroway stated: "I was frantic, but I couldn't save her. I can't swim either." The pigeon made sure the baby was lifted out of the pool by her mother and then flew away. Neighbors are on the lookout for this brave pigeon, saying that, if it comes back, they'll feed it some bread crumbs.


ALBANY AUDUBON SOCIETY WANTS THE PIGEON AS THE CITY'S OFFICIAL BIRD, ALBANY -- Albany's local Audubon Society is lobbying the Mayor's Office for the Rock Dove aka city pigeon as Albany's official bird. With the Bluebird as the official state bird, "the bird brainiacs," as AAS member Pete Jones calls his chapter, "do not want to impinge upon New York State's Bluebird image", but "only want to better represent the localized Albany image." An aide in the mayor's office is said by a reliable source to have commented, "I think the stool pigeon would be a better choice."


SPECIAL OLYMPICS FOR RACING PIGEONS, TURTLE POND -- The sport of racing pigeons has taken on a new twist. Instead of racing pigeons in flight, Turtle Pond racers are now competing on foot. Pigeon racer Pat Hupplinger predicts, "We think this type of racing will catch on, and it will keep pigeon breeders from losing so many pigeons as they do in traditional racing. Not all of our pigeons are good flyers, ya know." The event takes four hours for one race, and the winning pigeon is required to waddle across a caged 30-foot path to the finish line.


CITY PIGEONS HAVE MORE SEX THAN COUNTRY PIGEONS, MATTAQUASQUATCH -- A federally granted twenty-year study of the sexual behavior of pigeons conducted by the ThinkBig Tank Organization has proposed that city pigeons are having more sex than their country counterparts. Scientist Juniper Washington states: "We analyzed population growth and the mating habits of localized flocks. We think the preponderance of sexual activity in the city has to do with a more frenetic lifestyle. The city pigeons find that by releasing their tensions sexually they have a better survival rate." ThinkBig did not offer information on with whom the city pigeons were having sex.


HOMING PIGEONS NOW HOMELESS, NORTH GULL -- When Jerrold Tumey died last month, the Revenuers confiscated his home and left his precious flock of homing pigeons homeless. The pigeons, too domesticated to adapt to city living, are now perching atop North Gull residences and begging for food and cages. The compassionate North Gull homeowners are sensitive to the plight of the Tumey pigeons, but are greatly disturbed by the volume of pigeon droppings landing on and around their homes. The Revenuers say they have no legal responsibility for pigeon placement in foster homes.


GOD LIVES IN ROCK CITY AND KEEPS PIGEONS, ROCK CITY -- Bible-thumping citizens of Rock City claim that God lives in a small cottage along the Dingle River outside Rock City. Reverend Tuttle states: "We knew he was God when he showed us how he could change maple berries into wine." Other residents say that God's image is everywhere in Rock City: his face is imprinted on the the wall of Marner's General Store and his footprints are impressed on the town hall flagpole. Reverend Tuttle claims God looks something like Bruce Willis and he keeps pigeons.



skee is one bored son of a bitch

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