George Carlin Greatest 100 Lines

Comic Gold

 

 

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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

 

 

lololool

 

Edited May 13, 2007 by Shadrende

Carlin is and always will be a genius. But imo the king of the one liner is Mitch Hedberg. R.I.P Mitch

Carlin is and always will be a genius. But imo the king of the one liner is Mitch Hedberg. R.I.P Mitch

 

definitely =/

I saw Mitch perform live once

Edited May 13, 2007 by Ecthelion

nice

George Carlin is the best comic alive today. He is definitely one of the more profoundly intelligent comics out there.

QFT ^^

Wow, Vanin we finally agree on something

QFT ^^

 

You didn't actually quote anything, silly.

How does it feel to be right for once Garnok?

His anti-religion quips are pretty unintellectual.

His anti-religion quips are pretty unintellectual.

 

Agreed. But for the most part he is quite funny.

I spent 12 years in Catholic schooling, my father was ordained a Deacon in the Catholic church this year. I find his little zingers very entertaining and his rants do have meaning and purpose behind them

I have much respect for Carlin and agree the man is an amazing talent. Any comedian will tell you that Carlin has been one of the most influential comedians ever to walk on a stage. I just don't think I could go so far as to call the man who was launched into stardom by uttering 7 dirty words the most intellectual comedian alive today.

It isn't the fact that he is saying the 7 words but the absurdity behind the fact that there are these 7 words you cannot say on the air. Though, I am sure there are people out there laughing just at the fact that he is saying the 7 words, that isn't the joke. Intellectual comedy is made from the fact that you're not laughing at the actual language but at the meaning behind it...the farther you have to reach in order to understand the joke then the more knowledge you must have to comprehend it. Is everything he says purely intellectual? No. The man is an entertainer and of course his comedy and his jokes will be a overly broad and general.

 

If you want pure intellectual discussion about politics, religion, or any other topics then a comedian's material isn't the source you should be looking at. Instead, read some books dealing with the subject. Yet, if you read his jokes and understand the theme behind it, I think it's pretty clear that it isn't just fart jokes and there is a very keen mind behind the statements.

Oh Igor. Thank you for explaining this to me. My tiny girl brain was not capable of understanding how comedy works. When have you ever known me to seek out a discussion on religion or politics. I'm much more comfortable with ethnic slurs and mongoloid jokes.

 

watch them run, watch them fall, watch them try to catch a ball...olympics, at the special olmypics.

watch them laugh, watch them drool, watch them fall into the pool, oh wait that's diving-at the special olympics.

and i know, full well, that i will burn in hell-but those guys playin wheel chair basketball have got to be one of the funniest freakin things i have ever seen in my life....at the special olympics.

 

kid with downs wins the race, even though he stood in place, olympics....at the special olympics.

'round his neck, gold medals hung, resting on his giant tounge...olympics, at the special olympics.

but i kid when i sing, cuz these games are a beautiful thing- ok i am really just avoiding karma, cuz i know my kids could be born crippled and blind and until i am retired i will have to spend all of my time......................at the special olympics.

-Stephen Lynch-

Oh Igor. Thank you for explaining this to me. My tiny girl brain was not capable of understanding how comedy works. When have you ever known me to seek out a discussion on religion or politics. I'm much more comfortable with ethnic slurs and mongoloid jokes.

 

watch them run, watch them fall, watch them try to catch a ball...olympics, at the special olmypics.

watch them laugh, watch them drool, watch them fall into the pool, oh wait that's diving-at the special olympics.

and i know, full well, that i will burn in hell-but those guys playin wheel chair basketball have got to be one of the funniest freakin things i have ever seen in my life....at the special olympics.

 

kid with downs wins the race, even though he stood in place, olympics....at the special olympics.

'round his neck, gold medals hung, resting on his giant tounge...olympics, at the special olympics.

but i kid when i sing, cuz these games are a beautiful thing- ok i am really just avoiding karma, cuz i know my kids could be born crippled and blind and until i am retired i will have to spend all of my time......................at the special olympics.

-Stephen Lynch-

 

 

 

Your my hero gg

 

now if only u wern't one of those girl things...

Damn vagina.

Damn vagina.

 

look, even gg is arroused by my extreme manlyness

 

oh...wait... not much of an accomplishment, huh =P

 

<3 yah gg =D

well all this intellectuality is killin my tiny girl brain as well so i shall revert the topic back to mitch, because he likes food, and i like food, and he makes food jokes, and i can understand.

 

I opened up a yogurt, and underneath the lid it said "please try again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. Come on Mitchel, don't give up, please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on Bottom, Hope on top.

Wouldn't on topic be about Carlin and not Mitch?

When have you ever known girls to stay on topic? We're in your thread stealin your topic.

 

 

 

If 13's an unlucky number right, then so should the letter "B" be because the letter "B" looks like a scrunched together 13. "Hello, what is your name?" "Bob." "GET THE FUCK AWAY!"

 

(Even Mitch hated Bob!)

 

 

You think when the guy came up with the idea to invent the bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?

 

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."

 

 

 

I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit... Unless you're a table.

 

XDDDDDDDD

 

i do have a history of destroying all relevant posts.

 

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cause the dude didn't even get his degree. Why'd you have to drop out and start makin' pop so soon?

 

I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

 

I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry because I like loud music, so when he knocked on the wall I'd mess with his head. I'd say: "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing. It's just flat."

 

 

i'm thinking Amanda and i can go back and forth with mitch lines for weeks. This is the thread that won't die.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait"

 

 

Xylophone is spelled with an X. It should be a Z. Xylophone ZZZ X, I don't fucking see it. Next time you spell Xylophone, spell it with a Z. If someone tells you you're wrong, say "No, I aint." If you think that that's wrong then you need to get your head Z-Rayed. It's like X didn't have enough to do so they had to promise it more. "Okay, you won't start a lot of words, but you will have a co-starring role in Tic-Tac-Toe. And you will be equated with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing 'Christmas' easier. And you will accidentally start 'xylophone.' Are you happy now, you fucking X?"

 

 

I like an escalator, man, 'cause an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, only "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience."

 

 

I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girl friend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to "slam the flap." How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?

 

 

At the end of my letters I like to write "PS: This is what this part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

 

 

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

 

This shirt is "dry-clean only," which means it's dirty.

Edited May 16, 2007 by Morgause

One of my favorites:

 

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, and I don't want them to! "Hey - hold on fellas! Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me? We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

Edited May 17, 2007 by Lyssa