Sticking With the literature theme...

For over a year now I have been working on a book. It is about the ideas of being a suvivor versus a victim, and whether it is even possible to become a survivor.

My question stems from trauma, and whether someone can every truly over-come the after effects of extreme situations. It has alot of my personal history in it, as well as interviews with professionsals and people.

 

It is far from finished since it is emotionally exhausting to write. That and since I've gotten sick I haven't really been up to it. I hope to get published some day, but that won't be for many years. Anyway, it isn't easy to digest and this is only a very small piece. I am not ready to post much of it yet. So please, if you aren't up to reading it, don't. Here it is:

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

I am a broken child, hallow and bruised. My innocence lost at birth, my youth a sham, a void of loneliness and emptiness. My childhood is filled with memories like nightmares creating an unceasing anger that threatens to destroy me from the inside out. I am one of many with a past few recognize. I am an adult, struggling daily to keep it all together, to stay sane, logical and functional. My head tears me apart in a thousand conflicting directions and yet I pose with a plastic smile pretending to the world that I am “normal”. Ha! As if I could ever be.

 

I’m drowning in my thoughts as I twist and turn creating worlds within worlds of self hate, shame and guilt. I take things and manipulate them to create a world that proves what I think of myself. Everything that happens is just proof, support, undeniable evidence of the truths that I know and everyone around me denies. I torture myself day in and day out, lying awake throughout the night letting my mind wonder from one thought into the next, from one fear that eventually leads into the paranoia that engulfs me. Sometimes I wonder if I am insane. I sit alone in the tub, cigarette dangling in my mouth, and a razor blade beside me. I think back of all the times that I’ve watched the blood drip down my leg, embracing the pain and the sight. The years of loneliness and pain I was consumed by—they haunt me on days where I feel that emptiness and distance from my own body.

0_0 so emo.

 

http://www.livejournal.com/

^

 

so ignorant.

 

easy to make quick judgements ain't it?

 

I like this. lots of emotions in there but I totally see how it could become something larger and holding more meaning.

 

Maybe if there was a development to the narrator people wouldnt judge "emo" right from the start.

 

Emo... ptsh...

^

 

so ignorant.

 

easy to make quick judgements ain't it?

 

I like this. lots of emotions in there but I totally see how it could become something larger and holding more meaning.

 

Maybe if there was a development to the narrator people wouldnt judge "emo" right from the start.

 

Emo... ptsh...

 

 

newsflash eske.... emo stands for emotional

I think she's looking for comments about her writing and critique and/or praise that comes with it. It takes some guts to put something you wrote on a public forum so let's be a bit more compassionate.

 

Now to get back on track...

 

It seems that our up and coming writers are very interested into exploring human existence. I enjoyed the excerpt that I read here. I think your style of putting the story into the 1st person narrative really brings the story to each individual and makes us experience it through "your" eyes.

 

I encourage you to keep writing.

Quite engagingly emotional, but in order to get a feel of the mood I'd like to know more about the main character. Is this a biography? If not, who is the main character? Where has he/she been and where is he/she going? I get a feeling the main character wears a mask so to speak, to hide their true emotions. The main character acts a lot tougher than he/she really is.

 

I'm so tempted to post some of my stuff here =p but I'd just get made fun of =[

I think Este was commenting more on the use of the word "emo" than the word itself. The "0_0 so emo" comment seems like a serious defense mechanism. It is easier to dismiss something painful than face it. And the post seemed to dismiss the excerpt as "too emotional" which is basically what "emo" means when used as a negative. And yes, it is too emotional if you aren't in touch with yourself.

 

The first person narrative isn't a gimic. I am who I speak of. The point of the book is to grow with my concept, to truly explore all the areas I have been effected in my life, the hard-core emotions to the slightest awareness of them. The truth is emotional. For any body. It's just not always easy to feel, talk about, or acknowledge.

 

Klaudia, I love your comment that the "main character acts a ot tougher than he/she really is". I am the main character that you speak of, so I found it quite humerous. While writing I was delving into emotions that are so overwhelming, I suppose I did more speak of them than feel them. But I try to convey that while I act tough in life--because I feel it is necessary to function--inside I struggle. And I think we all do, perhaps not on the same levels. But everyone struggles with their thoughts and emotions, regrets, fears, and desires. The piece I posted is a very small portion of a begging chapter. I am solely introducing myself as what I feel I am: A broken child, become adult, struggling to handle it all. And that I question myself, in all aspects, but mainly, Can I ever over-come the effects of their abuse? Will they control me at times of vulnerability and fear as they do now? Can I ever be a survivor in the sense that the events of my childhood have no effect on me, is that possible? That is the main point of the book. Delving into the different ways I am daily effected, what caused them, and if I can over come them. The interviews with other people are about their experiences and perspective of themselves in the same way. And the psychologists on the professional level. I guess I didn't explain that well enough in the intro to my post.

Glad you liked it I think it has the potential to be a rather moving piece, but in the sake of keeping the reader hooked I would hope it contains some positive material as well =p. No offense to your story, but the general life struggle is a rather trite one, and I think the positivity of the main character could help to keep it original.

But of course Klaud. Every "story" has it's upsides as well as it's downs. But, the main point of the story isn't really me. I'm simply the medium that is used to decipher the main question.

It is about trying to reach the point where the past does not influence the present in such destructive ways, how it can be reached and if it is even possible. It is the struggle to reach what seems like the impossible.

It pleases me to read something that I feel I can relate to in many ways. Emotional expression through literature has always been one of the few things that can grab my attention and have me reading more. That and anything with Dr. Doom. Haha!

 

Anyway, I look forward to seeing more of this. The writing style is very good, and the emotions it depicts are relative to many people. Relating to one's literature is the greatest way to draw that person in to it further, and I must say that I am very deeply woven in.

hahaha wow. I can't believe people jumped on my nuts about that.

You guys need to be less touchy and chill out a bit, it was a joke.

 

Let's hit this step by step. =]

 

First off, Este, i find it extremely ironic you call me ignorant off of a 3 word response, then comment about quick judgements. In case that's over your head or not overt enough for you, I'm saying you're the ignorant one making a quick judgement. Kthx.

 

Vanin, I totally understand what she's aiming to get out of the responses, but the majority of threads across these forums rarely stay on topic. I find it ridiculous that people jump on me for doing it on this thread, and in a non offensive way. I understand how difficult it is to open up and lay a piece of you out for everyone to dig into, and how nervewracking seeing responses can be, but that doesn't justify ANYBODY jumping down someone's throat just because their response wasn't "i like it!" I didn't bash her writing, and I didn't have anything constructive. I think that line (especially coming from me, the teen angst scene kid in girl jeans) is able to be written off as humor that isn't funny, and most definitely a neutral statement. [And for the record, I too am totally about some existentialism, and write fairly often on the topic. ]

 

Alec, you're SO drunk. I have no idea where you get it mixed up that me calling your writing emotional is a defense mechanism. YOUR WRITING IS EMOTIONAL. You agree to that, don't be silly. I admit I did make that response as a dismissal, but not in order to avoid the pain of facing what you wrote. Or however you accused me of acting. o_0

I dismissed writing what I personally felt in the form of a constructive post, for fear of, ironically enough, people jumping down my throat. I hate situations like these so much, and I see them so often, especially being a teenager reading countless blogs from people at school. The second one response isn't "i like it lol!" everyone flips.

Also, the response was "so emo", not "too emo." Beyond that, don't make subtle personal character attacks ("if you aren't in touch with yourself"), especially on someone you know literally nothing about. Plus, regardless if you're in touch with yourself or not, I don't think that sets a definite decision if their opinion will dictate your writing as "too emotional" or not. Quit making ridiculous assumptions and claims with no logic or warrant to back them.

 

If my comment honestly did upset you, here's nearly two years worth of my writing: http://kuroikami.livejournal.com/

 

Hell, if you're too lazy to find something that really puts me on display, these are some of the "omfg emo" posts. [dear god i hope mocking myself doesn't offend more people x_x.]

http://kuroikami.livejournal.com/70991.html short rant

http://kuroikami.livejournal.com/68867.html <-- some existentialism and a story

http://kuroikami.livejournal.com/67161.html <-- more existentialism

http://kuroikami.livejournal.com/62674.html poem zomg

http://kuroikami.livejournal.com/57365.html emo

http://kuroikami.livejournal.com/58594.html emo

 

;alskdjf;alksdjfd. I dunno, I apologize if a humorous response is so out of line, personally on my LJ I appreciate something to lighten the all too often dark mood.

 

And last of all, my actual in-depth opinion:

I like the first paragraph, it does a good job of getting the reader's attention by combining a bit of shock writing with great imagery and vocabulary.

I feel that the end of the first paragraph directly contradicts the second, in that, the second conveys self hate and speaks of how you warp reality in order to depress yourself and hate yourself further while the first puts normal in quotations. I feel that if you truly indulge yourself in the self loathing mindset, you wouldn't see yourself as normal, in which case, you wouldn't call into question the idea of normality, by placing it in quotation marks. If you remove the quotation marks, you resign yourself to being different from everyone else, alone, cut off, etc. It also bothers me that you're concious of how you warp realities and take it out on yourself. It'd be much more powerful and effective if you were to write about actual events where that happens as opposed to just saying you do it. If you say you do it, it's silly. It evokes much more emotion in the reader to make that acknowledgement of you doing it to yourself, than you telling them. When you're that straightforward, it calls into question if the writer is doing this for self expression and exploration, or if its for attention. Often times thats the difference between teen angst writing and depressing books that get published. Alot of teens are slightly unhappy and suddenly write poems about cutting themselves expecting attention and adoration, while there will be someone who writes subtely about them doing it. Of course, the teen angst overt method gets the attention, but the subtle showing rather than telling makes for more effective writing. I suppose it depends on your personal goal in writing this, but my strong strong preference is the showing route.

Maybe its because I've had alot of exposure to the topic, but I personally feel that overall the self mutilation topic is trite and overused. I like the imagery of a ciggarrette in your mouth in the tub, it creates a bit of character, rather than random-generic-teen-cutting-themself-in-the-bath. As a whole, there is undeniable potential, parts of that excert include original thoughts, well-used imagery, and a wide vocabulary, however the topic as a whole is slightly worn, and a bit redundant. You can only say you're lonely and hurt so many different ways so many different times before people get bored.

 

[And for any whiners, any negativity isn't out of spite or for the sake of being hurtful. I left "so emo" rather than typing all of that out for fear of someone jumping down my throat because I personally wasn't utterly woo'd by the two paragraphs -.-]

Let's not forget Alexy is a debate champion =p

 

I agree with your view Alex, although my post was more directed at the construction of the story versus the story itself, just to clarify.

/sigh

 

Alec: That was amazing =). Good job and good luck with your future writing.

 

Klaudia: Post some of your stuff!

 

Alex: Your emo (This is in a joking way btw O.O I don't want a page long post made about me =( <3

No plumpy, its true. But i've already fixed the problem. While alex was asleep i set all of his pairs of girls jeans on fire and threw away all of his guyliner and AFI cd's.

 

He'll be mad for a few days but in the long run he'll thank me for it.

Uh oh....

Hahha good one.

 

first of all, "0_0 so emo. " is all I had to work with. And it is a reaction that I very much dislike. Sadly, I didnt know you well enough to judge as a joke.

 

I didn't actually call you ignorant. I was using it as an example to issue forth the fact that judging is very easy to do.

 

oh and last. jeesh dont diss my 3 sentence answers. come on, didn't someone say something like "wise men only speak that wich is worth hearing"?

 

yeh

and AFI cd's.  

 

THATS NOT FUNNY

No plumpy, its true. But i've already fixed the problem. While alex was asleep i set all of his pairs of girls jeans on fire and threw away all of his guyliner and AFI cd's.  

 

He'll be mad for a few days but in the long run he'll thank me for it.

 

FUUUUUUU~

emo emo emo emo emo emo

Hahha good one.

 

first of all, "0_0 so emo. " is all I had to work with. And it is a reaction that I very much dislike. Sadly, I didnt know you well enough to judge as a joke.

 

I didn't actually call you ignorant. I was using it as an example to issue forth the fact that judging is very easy to do.

 

oh and last. jeesh dont diss my 3 sentence answers. come on, didn't someone say something like "wise men only speak that wich is worth hearing"?

 

yeh

 

Don't try to defend yourself now all of a sudden. =/

1. If you're aware that "so emo" is all you have to work with, don't attempt to work with it. Leave it be for someone else to deal with, preferably someone who can figure out how to handle that sort of post, i.e. Vanin.

 

2. If you don't know me well enough to judge as a joke, how about you not judge it as something offensive or negative either. You have no ground to judge it either way. ZOMG EZ 2 JUDG LAWL.

 

3. I'm hoping that's a joke. Just because you don't have a long response doesn't make it intelligent or worth reading. Look at your first response to me. =]

 

Basically, you made a mistake, and you're aware of it, and I'm aware of it. Quit trying to defend yourself and let it go, cause honestly you kinda irked me, and I'm going to keep deconstructing every response you make until you stop. Cause honestly, I love doing it, and yours are pretty dang simple.

Branham,

 

My point about your response being a defense mechanism was simply that you easily dismissed the piece as "emo" in your response as, what appeared to me, as a way of avoiding the intensity of it. A lot of people use the term "emo" as a negative. I do not know you personally, so I can only go on the way I perceived your initial statement, as did everyone else. I tried to explain myself by stating that many people use the term "emo" when the mean to say that something is "too emotional" for them to handle or acknowledge. It is away of avoiding and ignoring that which we refuse to face. Now, perhaps that is not how you intended it, but that is how I took your post. I apologize for taking it wrong. To say that I had no logic or warrant to back up my original statement is wholly inaccurate. Because you did not understand my logic does not mean I had none. Perhaps instead of assuming that I had none you could ask how I reached such a claim since you did not see my direction.

 

Your criticique was quite interesting btw, and I would love to respond to a few of your points.

 

I see what you mean about using the term normal and in quotes. However, I was trying to convey with the quotes that there is no such thing as being normal and that I try to be what I perceive everyone else as and instead tear myself apart. It is an example of being over anyalytical and critical of the self and not those around you. Everyone else is "normal" so I am obviously not since I am not like them. If that makes any sense. Let me know because I think your point was very crucial.

 

Your point about increasing the power by writing about actual points and events is obvious. If you read anything else on this post already, you would know that the two paracraphs I included were only a small piece of a much larger item. They are the intro to a book that will delve much deeper into the concepts brought up. It isn't the whole introduction since I stem off into the ideas of vicitim and survivor. I understand your point, and if those two paragraphs were the entirity of my writing then you would be correct in your statement. But, since there is so much more detail and many many more examples later on, your comment holds no ground.

 

I love how you assume that the book fits into your two categories of "teen agnst writing" and "depressing books". You say that "alot of teens are slightly unhappy and suddenly write poems about cutting themselves expecting attention and adoration, where there will be someone who writes subtely about them doing it." Am I to take this comment as you assume I am a "teen" who seeks attention by creating a desire to self mutilate?

Firstly, the point is that ANYONE can connect with the emotions. There are only so many emotions and we have all felt them. The question lies more in their intensity and duration.

"Maybe its because I've had alot of exposure to the topic, but I personally feel that overall the self mutilation topic is trite and overused."

ROFL How could someone slicing up their body with knives and razors be trite? It shows that their is obviously an issue there, and I think that by minimizing such an act to "common place" and therefore unimportant and lacking in creativity is completely and utterly ridiculous. And I do not believe I am wrong in perceiving your statement as such. Your words were, "over exposed", "trite", "over used", worn" and "bit reduntant". To say that you've read enough about suicide that it is trite and overdone is to be ignorant. I feel the same for the topic of self mutitlation.

 

If you would like to be shown rather than told, here is a later except that goes more detailed into the subject.

 

I pushed the razor into my thigh, my hand trembling from the pressure and the excitement. It’s amazing how such a violent act against myself can cause such an ease of pain. It’s the blood, I think. I watch the beads form a line across my skin, slowly filling into bubbles that dribble down my leg leaving a red trail behind them. It doesn’t hurt. It’s like a release of all the pressure inside me—the pain and anger…the tears I can’t shed. They drip down my leg, seeping out of my body. The thin cuts I create allow all the build up to escape so I don’t burst. It is my hand, my control—not his. Not theirs. The power is in my hands and that feeling is empowering. I leave refreshed. Funny how it works though; I’m so proud of the cuts, the blood and the pain in which I have created. They provide me with pleasure and it eases my suffering. But those cuts—they form scars: a never ending reminder of that pain I felt, of the height to which I took it. The scars are embarrassing. I hide them in shame, wearing long shorts or pants, always aware of the height of my skirt or dress. Ashamed of my pain, now embroidered on my body. Ashamed of myself for placing them there, for being so weak as to give into the immediate pleasure that pain provided. They are the physical ramifications of my past and present demons staring me down and reducing my confidence to a minuscule organism. They laugh at me.

Each scar brings me back to a time, a place, a feeling, a memory. They are the manifestation of my inner scars. They are physical, undeniable proof of pain. What a double edged sword cutting turned out to be: my triumph and my failure, a sign that I gave in…and also a way out.

I call myself a survivor? Ha! How do I know if I am a survivor or just a victim barely surviving? I feel like I’m hanging by a thread, my sanity teetering in the balance. Everyday I struggle to hold myself together. Some days the struggle is rather easy—I allow and produce many distractions from my unceasing mind. But certain days are absolutely horrid. I fight against myself all day—and sometimes I lose.

I remember when I first started cutting myself, it was my senior year of high school. Just sitting here thinking about it and already I crave it. I think…I might go take a bath. I think I might give in again…

 

__________________________________________________________

 

That is from a later chapter dedicated to self mutilation.

 

Now, if you suffered a horrible event in your life that caused severe depression and isolation and never ending side-effects with both age and time, would you be so cavalier about the pain resulting from trauma? BTW, the story is based, party, off my personal experiences with physical and sexual abuse from my biological father. It is supposed to reach out to all sorts of pain, but focus more on the intensity of the emotions resulting from extremely traumatic events that threaten your life, body, or mind. And whether or not they can be overcome.

Here is the example I use to explain what I mean and what I am seeking to uncover with the exlorations of the book:

If you had your CDs in your locker at school and someone stole them, you'd be fuming pissed. You'd feel violated and unsafe, that your items were not protected. That someone, perhaps someone you knew, took them. You might cry, or punch a wall. But the pains would fade with time until you never think about it or care.

However, if someone broke into your home and tied up you and your family and had you at gunpoint, threatening to take away your lives--it might take longer for the pains to go away. The anger, violation, and fear would resound in your life--perhaps--forever.

The CD's being stolen will leave your mind with time, but will the other event?

 

I hope that explains more of where the book is going, and therefore helps you to understand that these two paragraphs are leading up to more.

Sorry I made those assumptions without fully understanding your logic. I honestly feel that you're absolutely right about that, and it would have been much more tactful of me to inquire as to your logic rather than assuming there is none and attacking. I apologize for doing that.

 

I see what you're saying by putting normal in quotations, and I suppose it was just a matter of how the reader percieves it? I understand how it can convey exactly what you're wanting it to.

 

My analysis of what you wrote is very very very limited, of course. I'm just going off of what I personally get from reading those two paragraphs taht are just a tiny portion and a bit of tunnel vision to the big picture of what you're writing and your message, so some of my critique is obviously up to your discretion to disregard as moot. You know much more so what the finished product will be than I do, and you know where and when in your writing you've gone through and shown rather than told.

 

I'm sorry for how I worded my thoughts on the self mutilation excerpt. I don't mean to trivialize any pain or seriousness of it, or what it means to you, or others. I meant more of the random one liner of "my legs bleeding" tends to do nothing when I read it, I guess because I've read it from people wanting attention or people who just say they do? There's weird kids in my town x_x With having read that later excerpt, it makes it much more dramatic and real. The very detailed description of what takes place for you physically, as well as emotionally and mentally makes it very serious and very real and I'm sorry for underestimating the extent to which you delve into the topic.

 

Having read more, I'm becoming more interested in seeing the finished work, and I like the structure of your writing. It seems very factual and true in regards to you, while questioning your own future and generalities facing the future of anyone who's experienced somethign so painful or traumatic.

 

Sorry for kinda derailing your thread from the getgo, but thanks for responding seriously. =]

Branham,

 

Well, I'm very happy we are on the same page. Misunderstanding happen. Especially on a forum where people can not hear your tone of voice, etc. I'm glad we worked it out now. I do understand what you mean about people just writing things for the sake of writing them and not feeling the emotions to the extent they attemtpt to express. It makes it hard to believe other literary works. Sort of the "cry worlf" scenerio. And it is hard to get to know me or where I am going with the small sample I showed.

 

The except I included about the self mutilation hasn't been edited yet. Do you have any thoughts on how i could revise? I think you have a true talent for expressing how a piece effects you as the reader. And I understnad the importance of not only catching the readers attention and keeping it, but making it understandable in both heart and mind. And I truly did like your ideas and critique.

Perhaps I will post more of my work on here now knowing that so many of you are great editor and have such helpful advice.

 

Thanks for your response branham. <3

Alec

I wish I could write =(.

Some more friendly advice from klakla:

Remember that people can't necessarily hear your tone in a novel either, which is why its very important to make sure what you're saying is taken how you want it to. Not every reader will take what you say how you want them to [as with the "normal" situation]. This is where your point of view really comes into play, in order to set the mood you really want. Check out this tip from writersdigest.com:

 

"Point of view choice affects everything in a story. Setting (which objects to describe and what words to use in that description), tone, theme….point of view is a beginning foundation rather like choosing a platform for a political party.

 

Within the choice of point of view comes the issue of perspective. The point of view choice, inner limited, means, for instance, that we’ll feel very close to the character, entering his thoughts and emotions. Choosing which character to use for perspective will determine the tone and mood because that character’s perspective will color the language.

 

Consider the following two descriptions. Both are inner limited point of view (one character’s viewpoint), but one is from the perspective of a character who is looking forward to the birth of her child. The second is from the perspective of a parent who has just come from a child’s funeral.

 

 

1.

Outside her window, fog wisps in and out of fir and cedar rather like a fine-weave shawl around the shoulders of a seductive woman. Birds, unseen, create a muted melody that waltzes the fog this way and that. A shimmering drop of water hangs on the cedar nearest the window. It captures light from an invisible source and creates a cascade of rainbows before finally swelling and setting itself free from the branch.

2.

Outside her window, fog cuts off the tops of the gray cedar and fir as though the world were dying from the top down. Birds, under cover from the ever-ceasing dripping, mutter like crazed monks. One large drop of water clings to the branch of a nearby cedar, flashes color once from some forgotten source of light, then falls, lost among all the other drops that fell before.

 

Any difficulty in identifying which is which? One character will create a very different emotional tone for the story from the other—but both involve inner limited point of view.

 

Thus point of view often involves choosing a perspective that will affect tone and attitude that affects every word choice made. The point of view technique should harmonize with the tone and suit the mood of your story."

 

Hope that helps a bit!