What Some Men Won't Do . . .

I'm not sure how many of you are familiar with police training, but much like other professionals they have to maintain proficiency and complete a certain amount of required training annually. This often requires demonstrating hands on or pratical proficiency, such as driving and firearms.

 

Also, when it comes to learning ins and outs of many of the devices the officer uses in the line of duty the officer must, while under the auspices of classroom supervision, be subjected to the effects. (i.e., mace, cap-stun, tasers and stug-guns)

 

I have a lieutentant friend (not Danarus, he teaches) who recently attended our taser class. She has talked incessantly of her ordeal since being shot and recently found and shared this story with me. From there, I share it with you.

 

 

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Ok--not that voluntarily getting tazed is the brightest thing either...

but... this was too funny not to share!

 

 

To give you some background information, Greg, the author of this email, is 58 years old about 6'3" and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is quite an intelligent person.

 

Dear Friends,

 

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future. Here goes.

 

Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my fancy.

 

(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.)

 

I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 12th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.

 

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goo gle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.

 

If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out - way too cool! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinking directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so.

 

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

 

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

 

Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

 

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

 

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!" Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

 

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?)

 

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

 

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight -- always 20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

 

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY ****!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, please do it again!"

 

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution.. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're

lucky, you won't lodge the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

 

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large. Miss 'em ... sure would like to get'em back.

Where was the recliner?

It's beyond me how I ended up with this thread under this topic . . . (besides the fact I put it there).

 

Could some wonderful moderator please move my mistake to a more applicable area?

i would have done it standing up with the tazer sitting on the arm of the chair barely touching me so i'd fall away from it as i pushed the button to shock myself. i've got to make sure it doesn't hurt for too long.

*scared* omg im at work and dying of laughter.....

Moved for your pleasure

i would have done it standing up with the tazer sitting on the arm of the chair barely touching me so i'd fall away from it as i pushed the button to shock myself. i've got to make sure it doesn't hurt for too long.

 

Case, and point!!

HAHAHA man, this has me in a giggle fit. It also proves that no matter how much age or education we get behind us, guys just don't get any smarter past the age of 15. And, man is that awesome...

hahah what gynis said

on second thought i'd get stang to do it to me and i'd do it to him afterward. it'd be more fun laughing at eachother as we do it.

But it's only 2 AAA batteries...

 

 

/zaps Erlin

*Raises hand* I've done the same thing and for the same reasons as embarrasing as it is. It was also a 100,000 volt taser that ran on a 9v bat. This one had the pretty blue arc when ya hit the button. I wanted to test it cause I was giving it to my sister for protection and I wanted to know what it could do and how dangerous it was. Thank god I tried it over blue jeans instead of on naked skin on my thigh. I was standing at the time. It did drop me to my knees as well as locking up every muscle in my leg. I felt like I went a few rounds with Tyson and lost.

I'm no weakling either. 6'-5" 230 lbs. and I can lift well over my weight, yet something thats smaller than the palm of my hand hurt like a sonofabitch. Yes I am laughing at this cause I'm glad I'm not the only one with the same bright idea. I can relate very well.

Oh memories of the stun gun... 150,00volts of sheer entertainment. I think it was called the Muscle Man or something like that.